No one can escape news coming out of the NFL lately. Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, Greg Hardy and now, the guy from the Cardinals. Ugh! Then Reggie Bush weighed in on “disciplining” his baby. I can’t take anymore. I didn’t watch Goodell’s news conference live on Friday. I just heard some soundbites. Domestic violence and child abuse are despicable and I have a million opinions on all of this, but I won’t bore you with them here.

Football is supposed to be fun. It’s an American tradition. Yeah, I get how football perpetuates hypermasculinity and misogynistic behavior with violent hits while showing women as sex objects on the sidelines. I worry repeated concussions lead to mental illness and suicide for players. I don’t love any of that but, like most Americans,  I guiltily am able to overlook it because of all the good football brings to our lives and that’s why we watch it and sometimes gamble on it, which we can do in this online casino australia as well.

Football games bring everyone together. Everyone in the United States can pick one of 32 NFL teams to call their own. When you see another fan in your colors, you instantly have a connection. Tailgating. Food. Jerseys. Playoffs. Superbowl. Being a fan is fun. I’m speaking of professional football in this instance, but the same goes for college football.

With our friends this season, we have decided to forget this crap and have fun. We have launched our Fantasy Football league “Panda-monium.” I’m not exactly clear as to why we’re called that. I think it’s some sex act or position one of our friends came up with during a game of “Cards Against Humanity.” I know I’m not the only one with pervy friends.

Channeling our inner “Shivas” from the FXX show “The League” we have developed weekly head-to-head bets and we’ll have a trophy named “Karen” after this girl we despicably enjoy making fun of. We’ll see you in hell.

My friends came up with names of teams after two of my favorite shows. “House of Yards” and “Orange is the New Sack.” Dang! Those names are amazing! Parents of preschoolers will understand my team name. In honor of my first year as a Stay-At-Home-Mom, I had to do a kid reference. Yep. I’m “Wandering Oaken’s Goalpost.” Get it? Parents of preschoolers will.

Weekly bets range from loser making their most embarrassing childhood photo their Facebook profile pic for a week, to a guy washing another guy’s car while wearing a bikini top, to the cinnamon challenge.

I have lost twice already. My Week 1 bet was against my friend Sam who wears an A cup bra. I wear a D. (DD actually, since I’m breastfeeding.) Loser had to wear the other’s bra for an entire day. I had to squish my big ole’ milk boobs into her tiny bikini top. I suspect she gave me the bikini because bras are expensive. It was wildly uncomfortable. You have to have photo or video evidence of each week’s bet fulfillment. This was what I sent to the league.

Perhaps my husband had it the worst when he had to suck on the belly of the other guy’s dog because he lost. I snickered as he picked dog hair out of his mouth that afternoon.

Screw the NFL and their drama. As fans we’re going to have fun regardless, even if it’s the football of our fantasies.

Every time I turn on my computer or glance at my phone, more friends are dumping ice water on their heads. If they’re not dousing themselves, they’re sharing the video of another celebrity participating in this odd fad. Then there is that moment when you realize you’ve been challenged by a friend. No doubt, it’s the online trend of the summer. I don’t have much in common with LeBron James, but he and I both challenged our friends to take the challenge and and/or donate to ALS. I challenged some fellow moms and their little ones by the blow-up pool on our deck. King James challenged the POTUS from his yacht. Still, LeBron and I were both cold and that’s pretty cool. I really want a Kardashian to do this. I imagine they would use Evian or Fiji or something, and I want to see that.

I saw reports citing statistics from the ALS Association who say donations are at $13.3 million so far in 2014. That’s up from $1.7 million this same time last year. They attribute this to the Ice Bucket Challenge fad and say it’s changing the way non-profits approach fundraising.

I smile every time I see one of these silly videos. I chuckle every time I see someone leave a comment on Facebook after they’ve been challenged and say something like, “Oh no! Not doing it! But, we totally pledge our support. Donated $50.” What a wonderful place the Internet is.

Then it isn’t. Then the Internet becomes the nasty place it sometimes can be. My heart sank yesterday when I read a Facebook status that said, “SO OVER people pouring water on their heads! So stupid!” Another said, “I’ll donate for these videos to stop!”

Really?! Of all the Internet fads, this is the one you want to stop? You made your Year In Review Flipagram video on New Years Eve like everyone else. You just posted the results of the Buzzfeed quiz that told what your favorite junk food said about your sex life, but you’re bashing the Ice Bucket Challenge?

I have to wonder how many people even knew what ALS was until this fad. ALS is Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or Lou Gehrig’s disease. It is a horrible, scary disease that leaves people paralyzed before they die. Thousands of people are diagnosed every year. I think it’s pretty amazing that people are donating money to find a cure and raise awareness.

If you’re “so over” the Ice Bucket Challenge, just keep scrolling down and ignore the videos. You don’t have to watch them, you don’t have to participate and you don’t have to donate, but don’t douse the flames of a trend that has caught fire. Especially one that could help find a cure for a disease that any one of us could get.

The past few days I’ve only wanted to spend my time with the women in the Litchfield Women’s Correctional Facility in New York. You know, the new season of “Orange Is The New Black” premiered on Netflix after a long wait. We got together with a group of our best friends to listen to a little Regina Spektor and catch up with Chapman and company this weekend. We admonished one couple for being the traitorous assholes who watched ahead an episode. If you’re not watching this show, start from the beginning and watch. It’s fantastic and lives up to it’s critical accolades.

We joked around and said which character each of our friends are. You would think that I would be Alex Vause. Tall, dark hair, big boobs and dark rimmed glasses. Obvious, right? No. My friend Sam said it best. She looked at me and said, “Amy, you’re Piper Chapman. You think you’re too pretty to go to prison.” I said, “Oh, I know I’m too pretty to go to prison!”

Let’s be clear. I would never get into a salacious love affair with an international drug trafficker like Chapman did. I would listen to my attorney’s advice and never lie under oath, that’s for sure. However, like Chapman, I would ask my husband to keep my blog updated while I’m locked up and I would read up on prison life before turning myself over.

mrgolightly.tumblr.com

piperchapman.tumblr.com

Seriously. I don’t think I’d make it in prison. Since watching the HBO series “OZ” during the height of its popularity I am convinced we are all one bad decision away from being locked up. I think any teens needing to be scared straight should be forced to watch “OZ.” As a teen I tried to steal one time just to see what it was like. I took a pack of gum from a hotel gift shop while on an overnight trip with my church youth choir. I got 100 feet into the lobby and felt so guilty I turned around and told the clerk I accidentally walked out, forgetting it was in my hand. I paid the $1.50 and vowed never to try to steal anything again. The only rush I ever got from shoplifting was rushing back to pay for something out of guilt. Clearly I never needed to be scared straight.

It’s no surprise that the story lines in “Orange Is The New Black” that have stuck with me at this time in my life are the ones about the mothers. Seeing the pregnant woman come back to prison with empty arms after delivering her baby was awful. I look at my babies’ faces and think what it would be like if I didn’t see them everyday because I was behind bars. I realized millions of families around our nation deal with that daily.

You could say that I drive safer, and continue to live right so I don’t become even more like Chapman. Now I have to run and go pick up my child from school on time. I can’t even handle being admonished by the preschool teachers, imagine how I would handle prison guards.

Life got so much more “fetch” ten years ago today. I have loved all the anniversary articles this week. “Mean Girls” is one of my favorite movies, ever. I think people misunderstand this. They think that means I like other teen movies that are dumb and not nearly as clever. I don’t think any of us realized Tina Fey’s incredibly smart movie would be such a cult classic.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “Do you wanna do something fun? Do you wanna go to Taco Bell?!” If you’re someone awesome you respond with “I can’t go to Taco Bell. I’m on an all-carb diet. GOD, Karen! You’re so stupid!” If you’ve ever yelled out, “She doesn’t even go here!” We can be friends.

When my husband and I watch “Superbad” I laugh and shake my head. I say “There is no way boys are that stupid!” He says, “Oh yes they are! Guys that age think that if they supply the booze at a party, they might get laid.” It’s funny because it’s true. When we watch “Mean Girls” he says “There is no way girls are that mean.” I say, “Oh yes they are! Girls compliment you to your face and then turn around and talk about you behind your back.” It’s funny because it’s true.

I find myself watching the 3-year-old class and wondering which among them will be the impressionable follower that is a Gretchen Weiners. I don’t think her father, the inventor of the Toaster Strudel, or some future breakfast pastry, would be too pleased to have me speculate about his daughter. I wonder which child is so ditzy she will ask questions like, “If you’re from Africa, why are you white?!” That would be a future Karen Smith, breast meteorologist. It may become apparent in a few years who the little Damiens will be. You know, almost too gay to function. Of course we all wonder how often our child will be personally victimized by a Regina George.

What will I do when I notice my daughter being hurt by the queen bee? What if my kid sadly decides it’s better to be with the Plastics hating life, then outside? As Cady Heron will tell you, being with the Plastics is like being famous. What will I do when my darling daughter leaves the real world and enters girl world? What if my child is the queen bee and is making other kids feel bad? Now kids have the Internet instead of Burn Books. Everyone can read what the mean girls say. What do I do when kids get mean?

Maybe I’ll show her Mean Girls. I teared up the first time I watched it. I know what you’re thinking, “Cried?! At Mean Girls?!” Yeah. When Tina Fey’s character Ms. Norbury says to all the girls in the Junior class, “You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores.” It struck a chord with me. I remember hating that in high school and middle school. I hated saying “bitches” too. It bugged me. It’s like the girls were saying it because the guys were. Girls disparaged their own gender. It was wrong then, it’s wrong now. I don’t want that for my child. Since “Mean Girls” I have never called another woman a slut or a whore. I mean, unless it’s to say “Boo! You whore!” but, that’s so fetch.

In the early hours of the morning, when parents of little ones have been forced out of bed, MTV 2 airs old “Saved By The Bell” episodes. It’s like they know that’s when 30-somethings will tune in to MTV 2. It’s sad the amount of SBTB knowledge my husband and I have between the two of us. He has a problem. Seriously. It’s weird.

This was us as Zack and Kelly, Halloween 2008. It was a night of pre-kids frivolity at some local bars.

Charlotte loves catching an episode with us. She calls it the “big kids show.” I explained to her that Mommy and Daddy liked this show a lot when they were young. This led to her asking about other things I liked as a kid. I started telling her how “Mama liked Sesame Street and Strawberry Shortcake too!” She replied, “No Mama! What did you like when you were a big girl?”

Oh Lord. Where do I begin to explain the awesomeness of ’80’s and ’90’s pop culture? Later in the day I saw something about the 20th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death coming up soon. Naturally, this led to me singing Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” around the house. She asked, “What are you singing, Mama?” I explained it was a popular song when I was young. True story: My brother-in-law stayed home from school the day Kurt Cobain died. I mean, yes it was sad, but come on, Kevin. 

So I showed her “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” You’ll see her reaction. Well, whatever. Nevermind.