Having a 1 1/2-year-old son means we are now getting into more “boy toys” or “boy things” in our house. My inner feminist cringes a little with that statement as the gender specificity in children’s toys and merchandise is ridiculous and annoying these days, but having a girl and a boy has made me realize something about gender specific toys. They’re specific for a reason. I never said the word “princess” and my little lady is naturally drawn to the poofy, glitter, ruffly, sparkle, pinkness in life. Since my son could crawl, he went to anything he could find with wheels. Cars, trucks, trains or his sister’s doll strollers. If it has wheels, he pushes it. I swear it’s in their DNA. Overall, they stick with the gender preferences society says they should have. We always assure them, they can like whatever they want with no expectations.

Cinders and ashes! Henry’s obsession with “Thomas & Friends” is real. Congratulations Sir Toppham Hat. You have a handsome little convert. He rides the rails on the island of Sodor with his trains daily. We have a Thomas table, a Thomas ride-on toy, his Thomas shirt and Thomas hat. He does not have that many of the actual trains because I swear, Thomas is the “American Girl” of boy toys. He toddled over to me with one in hand at the store the other day. 22 bucks for one little wooden train!? Leave that one to shunt freight. It’s not going home with us. I’ll chug over to Craigslist for bargains, thank you.

This week I picked up some special books for the kids after a shopping trip with Henry that ended with a display scattered on the floor of Barnes & Noble and the clerk basically asking me to leave. Yes, the books were “his” and “hers.” “My Little Pony” for the girl and “Thomas & Friends” for the boy.

There were two versions of the “Thomas & Friends Busy Book.” One had just Thomas on the front, the other had the title engine with his friends Percy and Rosie. I glanced through each of them. There were several female engines featured in the story in with the Percy/Rosie cover. Nice! I went with that one.  The Island Sodor is the setting for the show/movies/books. Sodor is a sausage fest. A lot of the show and movies consist of the male engines arguing over who is the “most useful.” Sigh. Calm down boys, you all have big funnels. Emily, Rosie, Belle, Mavis and Caitlin are the only female engines I can really think of. I like it when they are featured.

This is a short board book that gives a brief description of many of the characters. Let’s read this fine piece of literature, shall we? Bare with me, it’s only 6 pages.

Page One:

• “Thomas, Percy, James and Gordon are eager to be Really Useful Engines! They’re at Brendam Docks picking up important cargo that they will deliver to different places all over the Island of Sodor.”

For the uninitiated, it is the most important thing ever to be “really useful” if you are an engine on Sodor. I actually really like that about the show. It’s nice. The engines want to work hard and do their jobs. Most of the time it’s cute.

Page Two:

• “Sleek and shiny Spencer transports passengers of the royal kind, while Whiff, who couldn’t care less about his looks, loves collecting garbage! What do these engines have in common? Pride for a job well done!”

Spencer comes across as a total prick on the show. He’s a fancy new engine that goes really fast. They all hate him. Whiff is the goofy outcast with glasses. They get positive mentions in this book. Nice! POSITIVE character summaries for all the engines. I love it! So far so good. But, wait! Page Three happens…now.

Page Three:

• “Wiser and older Edward always has good advice for Emily, who is a very nice engine, but can be a little bossy! They are happy to whir along together, exchanging stories of having been helpful.”

Oh! Well, thank God little miss Emily has a swell guy like Edward to give her such great advice! How dare she be a bossy girl! She should be thankful an “wiser and older” bloke puts up with her. Hasn’t the author of this book heard the Thomas song? The line is “Emily really knows her stuff!” I thought she was the knowledgeable, Hermione type. Who knew she was such a shrew?

Page Four:

• “Bertie and Henry always enjoy a spirited conversation about which is faster: buses on roads, or engines on rails? Both are extremely proud of their speediness, so this chat may end in a race! 

Yeah, yeah. Race. Measure funnels. Whatever. Boys like competition. We get it.

Page Five:

• “Cheeky Thomas and lively Rosie make a great pair! Although Rosie’s enthusiasm for everything Thomas does can sometimes annoy him, Thomas has come to realize that together they are Really Useful Engines!”

Thomas, I feel you man. Nothing is worse than an over-eager chick, amiright? Good for you for managing to work with your female counterpart. We knew you had the buffers to handle her.

Page Six:

• “When Mavis is not hard at work at the Quarry, she can be found at the Vicarstown Dieselworks. Thomas knows he can count on this strong-willed, yet friendly diesel to help get the Steamies and the Diesels to cooperate!”

Thank God that “yet friendly” is in there! A female engine can’t just be “strong-willed” that wouldn’t come off well as she tries to get all the boys to get along.

All of the engines, male or female are typically described as “hardworking” and “useful.” That’s great, but the the women have conjunctions in their descriptions. What do I mean?

• Emily: “…who is a very nice engine, BUT can be a little bossy!”
• Rosie: “ALTHOUGH Rosie’s enthusiasm for everything Thomas does can sometimes annoy him…”
• Mavis: “…this strong-willed, YET friendly diesel.”

Why do each of the females in this book have conjunctions in their descriptions? The male characters don’t. Thomas is always described as “cheeky” in the song and James is “vain,” so it’s not always positive for the guys, but you get my point.

Is this a huge deal? No. Would I ban my kids from watching or reading “Thomas & Friends” because of this book? No. Do I really think this will influence my toddler son’s impression of women? Of course not. My point is, sexism creeps in to our children’s media often. I think it’s important that we recognize it and address it if a parent feels it is too invasive or could influence attitudes. I want to expose my kids to positive male and female characters in anything they read or watch.

We’ll likely chuff happily to “A Day Out With Thomas” later this year or next. We’ll keep watching the show and reading the other, less sexist books we have. We love Thomas although/but/yet, I will leave out the conjunctions when I read this book.

I zipped my sweet baby into a pumpkin costume for her first Halloween, just days before her first birthday. I’m a sucker for babies in fat pumpkin costumes. I think there are few things on earth cuter. A couple of months ago when my now almost 4-year-old and I discussed this year’s costume I tried to convince her to be Cinderella. Her brother could be the pumpkin. Cinderella and the pumpkin! I’d get my baby-pumpkin-fix and not have to buy another costume.

It’s Halloween 2014. So, you can imagine, that idea was put on ice. Pun intended. I did the appropriate Etsy price comparisons before grabbing these at the Halloween store as soon as it opened in early September:

She insisted her baby brother be Olaf. That was too cute to refuse. Thank goodness I bought them early, because the run on “Frozen” Halloween costumes is insane. Nearly every girl we know will be an Elsa or an Anna. We showed up at the neighborhood Halloween parade this past Saturday to a street corner filled with braided little girls, untangling their ice capes.

This “Frozen” Halloween hasn’t escaped parents on the Internet. We’re all having a good laugh. My favorite Facebook status came from a friend this week:

This meme is awesome. Halloween is on a Friday this year. Drink up!

I have heard some parents say they’re “so over it.” I get that. I do. We have been inundated with all things “Frozen” this past year. We start many days with the same burning question, “Do you wanna build a snowman?” Easter we all scrambled to find dolls for baskets. Parents wait in line the day shipments come into the Disney Store. In one group of friends, we are having trouble nailing down a date for a moms-night-out because we all have “Frozen On Ice” tickets that weekend. Idina Menzel’s powerful, beautiful ballad does wear on you after the millionth time in the car. Tell me you don’t think of Elsa when you say to a friend, “Hey man, let it go.” To say it’s a phenomenon is an understatement.

Here’s the thing. I’m okay with it. “Frozen” is a phenomenon for a reason. It’s a great movie. It’s not just a “princess movie.” So many little boys I know love it. I’ve seen a lot more Olaf, Kristoff and Sven merchandise for boys. My husband loves it too. He has said as the credits roll, “Yep, it’s good every time.”

Let’s also take a moment to appreciate that “Frozen” shows princesses as heroes. It is the love between sisters that saves the day in the end, not romantic love. Isn’t that something we all want our daughters to understand and appreciate?

That is why I will ask each little Elsa if they wanna build a snowman. I will ask each Anna about her trip from Arendelle. I will help them as they trip on their capes and repair their loose braids because all too soon our daughters will be begging us to be “sexy kittys” or any of the other horrible girl costumes I saw at the Halloween store back in September.

Happy Halloween, everyone. Enjoy seeing your daughter be a strong, fun princess on ice.

Tina Fey has been my idol for some time now. Then Sheryl Sandberg came along and I’m all like, “Gah! You are amazing! Thank you for all you do!” So, I was pretty psyched this morning when I read about the start of the Ban Bossy campaign.

I hate the word “bossy.” Hate it. Maybe it was because I was the target of “bossy” a lot as a child. I’m the oldest child and grandchild. I’m a natural extrovert with enthusiastic tendencies. My ideas for games and activities, coupled with my excitement, meant I often rallied the troops on the playground or in the neighborhood for some fun adventure or another. Sometimes this rubbed other kids the wrong way and I was called “bossy.” The worst was other neighborhood kids’ mothers calling me a “hot shot” or telling their kids not to put up with me being bossy. I don’t remember the same of the boys in the neighborhood. The boys were never criticized for being bossy. They were praised for being leaders. I was “pushy.” They were “persuasive.” It was crap.

 Me at age 9 or 10, likely hoping not to be called “bossy” for being myself.

The scourge of puberty and and my bossy label meant I occasionally shied away from my natural leadership tendencies as a young adolescent for fear of not being liked. I think for a lot of girls it is more important to be well-liked than respected. This follows many of us into womanhood, myself included. As it was pointed out in numerous articles today, “bossy” leads to “the other b-word.”

Someone implied that my three-year-old daughter might follow my footsteps and become “bossy” like her mother. This implication made my blood boil. This quote from Sandberg is the best. “I want every little girl who’s told she’s bossy to be told she has leadership skills.”

image: Wikipedia

So, I’m all about the #banbossy campaign and I salute Sandberg’s Lean In and the Girl Scouts for starting it, but I think it needs to go even further. This quote from Sarah Silverman really struck a chord with me. “Stop telling girls they can be anything they want to be when they grow up. I think it’s a mistake. Not because they can’t, but because it never would have occurred to them they couldn’t.” 

image: upr.org

Someone with the best intentions pointed out to my daughter the other day that “Girls can do anything boys can!” Blerg! Shhh! Of course they can! Why wouldn’t they?! Don’t point it out to her. She probably never would have thought of it if someone hadn’t brought it up. Stop talking about how “girls can play sports too!” Blah! Blah! Blah! Just sign them up for sports, let them run for office in their classes and if the issue of sexism comes up, address it then, but don’t make it an issue before it is.

My daughter just finished learning all about the presidents in preschool. She even wrote a letter to President Obama. I did not point out to her that none of the presidents were women. I refuse to make a big deal about Hillary Clinton running for office in 2016. When she wins and becomes the first woman president, I refuse to make a big deal about her being a woman to my kids.

For daughter AND my son, I want the idea of a woman president to be an obvious part of life. I want the idea of a female boss to be typical, and the idea that she was bossy to get there, bogus.

I want to thank my parents for my fine liberal arts education. My bachelor’s degree in Media Studies/Television Broadcasting was put to great use during my years in TV news and public relations. I only think of the Dance minor I completed when I look at my still calloused feet and reminisce about my 19-year-old figure. Why didn’t I appreciate that body?! And why did my parents let me minor in Dance?!

I couldn’t tell you much of what I learned in many of my undergraduate classes. Mythology, anyone? That knowledge only surfaces during the occasional Jeopardy round. There is one class that has stuck with me. Its lessons haunt me every time I pick up the obscene amount of princess toys my three-year-old daughter has.

Gender and Media Culture was some 300 level class I took as a senior elective in the Media Studies major. This course ruined everything for me. Every movie. Every fairy tale. Everything. Did you know that everything is a metaphor for deflowering a virgin girl? I didn’t either. Did you know that every story we were ever told or movie we ever enjoyed was subconsciously poisoning us as women into thinking we have to be saved by a man and that nothing is more important than physical attractiveness? Yeah. Now I know.

Everything was based on the “Cinderella Principle” or something.  Don’t quote me on this. Basically, you have to have the makeover and magical transformation of the woman/girl before she is deflowered. The movies we had to watch included “Boys Don’t Cry” and “The Accused,” complete with violent rape scenes. We also had to watch a film version of Little Red Riding Hood from the 80’s with some doe-eyed virgin who turns into a wolf. Naturally, a metaphor for virginity loss. (Found it! It’s 1984’s “The Company of Wolves.” Ugh.)

Like every 3-year-old girl I know, my daughter has been completely seduced by everything princess. Well played Disney marketers. Well played. She LOVES princesses and I’m left stomaching all the metaphors. I don’t want to pooh-pooh the princesses because that would be scoffing at something that she likes, and thus scoffing at her. Here is my visual representation of what goes through my mind when I look at her toys/movies/books:

These are a little better. My princess thoughts warranted another graphic. Here you go:

The new Disney movies are amazing! I love some of the newest princesses:

My daughter has seen and loves all of these movies except for Snow White. (I don’t know how to tap into the Disney vault. How do they keep that think “locked” in the Internet age? Granted, I haven’t tried that hard. ) I see her glowing face when she giggles at the mice in Cinderella and when she twirls in her Belle dress. I giggle when she sings the misheard lyrics of “When Will My Life Begin?” Plus, when Ariel does this…

…it is so freaking awesome, I can’t stand it. It was awesome in 1989. It’s awesome now.  That’s the thing. Even though I know all the metaphors and understand Disney princesses have extremely unrealistic hair, I love them. My daughter loves them too. So, I guess that’s why this weekend I grit will my teeth, bury my feminist fury and snuggle with my daughter on the couch to watch a princess movie. As a child I understood that these were fairy tales, why wouldn’t she? It’s up to me to make sure Cinderella is just a fun story and that I am the real female role model in her life.

So take THAT Gender and Media Culture professor! I will watch princess movies and I will love them! Well, before I start worrying about superhero cartoons and their unrealistic portrayal of masculinity and what it will mean for my infant son in a few years. Dammit liberal arts education strikes again!