I have never thought about making a Christmas wreath, ever. I have an artificial one. I think I got it at Target at a post-holiday sale a few years ago. It looks pretty awful. When Fairview Garden Center offered me a spot in their very popular wreath making seminar as part of our Weeds to Wow Family Garden Project. I was like, “Yes! But, I might be totally terrible at it. I will have no idea what I’m doing.”

Turns out, I am not totally terrible at it and I LOVED doing it! Seriously! Fairview’s seminars fill up fast so I was psyched to have a spot at the table. Anna led the class in one of Fairview’s beautiful greenhouses. She explained the plethora of plants that work for wreath making. For holiday wreaths we used a Fraser Fir base because, hello! It smells like Christmas. Fraser Firs make Christmas. Am I right?

Fairview offered many different plants to make a holiday wreath including holly, pine cones, sugar cane, juniper etc. Those are the main plants I used.

I learned that you start with a wire wreath base. The ones that Fairview gave us are more pliable than others. Anna said we would be able to wrap plant pieces better.

She explained how you make small bundles and wrap one with each wire, moving around the wreath. She emphasized moving in the same direction all the way around. Don’t skip a wire, or you’ll have a bare spot in your wreath.

I alternated a bundle with holly and a bundle with sugar cane to create a pattern. We used clippers to trim plants. The first bundle I made was too long. I said, “I want a big wreath, though.” Anna mentioned that was fine, but pieces that are too long can fall out. She was right. I trimmed up my bundles. If you want to add something after wrapping a bundle, use some craft wire to add additional decoration.

I LOVE how it turned out. I think with practice I could make all sorts of wreaths. Seriously. My mind was spinning with the idea of magnolia leaf wreaths etc.

If you want to participate in a wreath seminar or any class offered by Fairview, check them out! Can’t make a wreath seminar? Buy one of their beautiful hand-crafted holiday wreaths. They had more types and colors of poinsettias than I have ever seen.

If you want to see expert hands make a gorgeous professional wreath, check out this video of Fairview’s Jo Ann Dewar. She’s been making custom handmade wreaths for 30 years. Amazing!

The jolly fat man has become a marker of time. A growth chart. A yearly reminder of all that has changed and all that has stayed the same. I know I can’t always dress them in matching monogrammed plaid, but I’ll do it as long as I can. I’ll make this collage for as long as they will let me pose them, even if they’re just pretending they still believe. Merry Christmas.

If you’re like me, you live in constant fear of some accident or another injuring your children. My fears range from the typical to the ridiculous. From my kids tripping on the stairs to a helicopter landing on the playground and them being knocked over by high force propeller wind.

Anyway, something happened over our Thanksgiving weekend that brought another danger front-of-mind. We were visiting my grandparents who are in poor health. I walked in and after hugs I quickly swept through the room and put all ceramic grandma trinkets up high enough that little hands couldn’t get them. I forgot one thing.

After getting bored with toys from 30 years ago and not being allowed to play with an iPad, (there is no WiFi anyway) my 4-year-old wandered into the kitchen. My grandparent’s health workers and my aunts keep their medicines in those pill boxes organized Monday through Friday and “Morning, Midday, Evening and Bedtime.” So, there are a lot of pills in there. These boxes are colorful and easy to open for arthritic hands. They also look very neat to little people.

I walked into the kitchen to hear dozens of pills hit the floor. My daughter was standing in a chair by the kitchen table, horrified after she dropped the box. I frantically scooped up my one-year-old off the floor as he tried to crawl to the appealing pills. My husband snagged my daughter who was near tears. She looked at us and said, “I thought it was a puzzle! I’m sorry!”

It is a puzzle of sorts since my mom and my aunt had to sort out all the meds again. I’m not trying to be preachy, just remember this holiday season when you’re visiting relatives, watch out for medicine containers that look like toys and pills that look like candy.

Also, put Poison Control in your phone. Our pediatrician said you are most likely to have poison related accidents when you are away from home, like at your grandparents’. Let me know of other hazards you’ve run into, or you have tips for keeping kiddos safe, especially at the holidays. Have a happy and safe season, everyone!

On the night of the last day of November, that’s when parents suddenly remember.

Tomorrow is December 1st. Thank goodness, the kids’ behavior is the worst!

Christmas will be here really soon. We’ve been using Santa as a threat since June.

Our little friend with the creepy smile hasn’t been here for awhile.

The Thanksgiving holiday has come to an end. It’s time to succumb to a Pinterest trend.

Scrolling through your Facebook feed, you see parents preparing for their children’s greed.

They use a toy as behavior modification, as we all prepare for winter vacation.

The “Elf on the Shelf” is back in suburban homes. Your Instagram will be nothing but those weird little gnomes.

Last night brought intense pre-holiday panic. My child’s excitement for Christmas is manic.

She said, “Mama, my elf comes tomorrow!” as she went to bed. I thought, “Wait, where did we put it?” I smacked my head.

I scoured each closet, every drawer and each box. I found an old bottle opener and some missing socks.

I Facebook messaged my friends like, “Oh shit!” They were like, “Uh oh, girl you better find it!’

I have no idea where my husband tucked it away. Ugh! He’s in Vegas on business til’ Friday!

I started making an elf contingency plan. An elf letter saying “I’m still helping the big man!”

After preschool drop-off I’ll head to Barnes and Noble. That may prevent a meltdown ‘a la Chernobyl.

I gave it one last look in closet junk piles and racks. It was in a box with dry cleaning hangers and an unused Camelback.

My preschooler will not be a disenfranchised douchebag! “My ‘Elf on the Shelf’ is here!” she’ll brag.

Fellow parents! May your holiday tantrums be few and light. Don’t forget to move the damn elf each night.

My Santa hat is off to the authors of “Elf on the Shelf” not only for your fortune-making genius merchandising, but for your ability to rhyme that book. This poem, written in “Elf on the Shelf” style, took me for freaking ever. 

Do you ever watch something and you are laughing the loudest? Something that is funnier to you than it is to other people? For some reason you can’t hold it together when you watch it, but everyone else just kind of chuckles? I have a few things that do this to me:

• Any episode of “30 Rock”
• Kathleen Madigan’s stand-up
• Tina Fey’s book “Bossypants”
• Thinking about when I used to chase my younger sister with a feather duster when we were kids
• My husband singing “There She Goes” by Six Pence None The Richer

I have to add this character from Saturday Night Live. I first saw the “guy who moves like a baby” sketch last year. This weekend, SNL had another one. Beck Bennett plays the part. I think it cracks me up so much because I spend my days with a one-year-old who does all of these things.

Here you go, a little laughter for your Monday. Enjoy!