I’ve been not writing about this for a couple weeks. Finally being able to talk about it makes me so happy! Most of you know I grew up with in a house with one sister. Julie and I are nearly three years apart. Mom asked me one time, “I wonder when Julie and Kevin will have a baby?” I said, “When Charlotte is three.” Mom said, “Why do you say that?” I said, “Because she does everything three years after me.” Mom laughed at my silly generalities.

Before the 4th of July holiday, Julie called me to say she and my brother-in-law were coming to see us in our new house. I said to Greyson, “I was thinking they were going to tell us they’re pregnant, but Julie sounded too perky. She didn’t sound tired enough to be pregnant.” Little did I know, Julie is better at hiding first trimester fatigue and indeed came to announce their big news!

Julie is due January 16. She reminded me these little cousins will be in the same grade in school and just 2 1/2 months apart in age. So fun! I can’t wait to meet my niece or nephew!

As happy as I am, as happy as I am for Julie and Kevin, I’m most happy for Charlotte. Siblings make us who we are and cousins are part of what makes childhood fun.

I confessed my anglophila back when I sipped coffee at 5:00am from my souvenir mug to watch William and Catherine become man and wife. It came up again when I found out she was pregnant. I took it upon myself to write her a letter. I haven’t heard back from the palace.

I’m sure the tweets of an American mommy don’t mean much to a Royal mummy but, I vehemently defended Kate online today. I had the live stream of the door of that hospital up on my computer today.  Seriously. I got anxious for Kate. If the whole world was tweeting about my cervix, I would have a f-ing breakdown. I mean, when I heard some “Royal obstetrics expert” on ABC News predict how many centimeters she was dilated and what that meant for her labor (excuse me, labour) I almost turned it off. When she said “It gives a new definition to the term ‘crowing’ Ha ha ha ha!” I was truly disgusted.

I am so happy for them. Healthy babies, rock! I genuinely thought it was a girl. Which goes to show you how good I am at gender prediction. Okay, I need to run. I’m sending my husband to buy a gilded easel to announce this baby’s birth. Every kid deserves that type of pageantry upon their arrival, but maybe without all the cervix tweets.

Also, someone pointed out to me on Facebook tonight that the royal baby is the same weight as the Baby Jesus that Ricky Bobby prayed to in Talladega Nights. That is awesome, and you can’t unhear that comparison.  You’re welcome. Here’s hoping the Prince of Cambridge never has a binding endorsement with Powerade.

Infer what you will from this comparison. Thoughts?

Today we got another glimpse of our darling little 2.0 for the “big” ultrasound. You know, the one where everyone finds out if it’s a girl or a boy. We made it clear to the ultrasound tech that we did not want to know the gender of the baby. We want to be surprised! I threatened Greyson’s life if he peeked at the screen, as if we could decipher those black and white smudges, anyway.

We did notice one thing when she zoomed in on the baby’s face. I said, “Whoa! Our kid looks like Lord Voldemort!” I can understand it. Daddy is a Slytherin for sure. 

I love it. A badass already. We’ll call it “It-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”

 (I’m a Gryffindor. Not like everyone says they are. I mean, I really am. I have the online quizzes and heart of a lion to prove it. )

I had to describe what the first trimester feels like to a man the other day. Not just any man, my husband. I wasn’t sure where to start with this description. How do you define these three months of life that begin another? I think you have to take it in phases.

Phase 1: Ignorance and Wonder: In this phase you don’t even know you’re knocked up. Nope. You are in the dark as much as that zygote in your uterus. During this time you may be blissfully unaware of your delicate condition and decide to party hard at your friend’s wedding, eat sushi appetizers and go on roller coasters because you have to get all that in before you get pregnant, right? So, you feel oblivious.

You may be more cautious because you are in your “two week wait.” If you don’t know what that means, you must not hang out on fertility and pregnancy message boards. For shame! The 2WW or TWW is the time between ovulation and your expected period. A gal desperately seeking conception may not dare let champagne nor raw fish touch her lips. This means she is probably counting the days until she can pee on a plastic stick. Chances are, you are overly assessing every stomach rumble to figure out if it’s morning sickness. So, you feel anxious.

Phase 2: Queasy: Morning sickness is a woefully misnamed affliction. Pick a time of day. Each girl feels sick at a different time. For me, it was in the evening. Most are hanging over the toilet when they wake up. The unlucky ones are so sick all the time they actually lose weight in the first trimester because they can’t keep anything down. The doctor may give them Zofran. Then they feel like they’ll never poop again. So, you feel nausous and constipated.

Phase 3: Drugged: Surely someone has poisoned you. They must have slipped something in your drink. I personally had flashbacks to my 8th grade mono days. That’s how tired you feel.

Imagine you are on a long car or boat trip and you feel seasick. Okay, then what do you do? You take a Dramamine, right? Let’s be honest, Dramamine only touches nausea a little. It really just knocks you out. Combine the feelings of phases 2 and 3. So, it feels like you’re a seasick person on Dramamine.

Phase 4: Generally Emotional: If you really want to be pregnant, you could be crazy elated. Regardless of whether this is a surprise baby or not, you’re pretty much terrified because once you see that plus sign, the uncertainty sets in. You are worried about the baby and hoping the pregnancy goes well. You are unsure you will be a good mother, or unsure you can handle another child. So, you feel overwhelmed.

Phase 5: Bloated: That’s self-explanatory.

I guess if you have to describe it to someone you can say the first trimester feels oblivious-anxious-nauseous-constipated-drugged-exhausted-elated-worried-usure-overwhelmed and puffy.

Thank God it’s over. Hello second trimester. I’ve been waiting for you. You’re much easier to describe.