The post I should have written long ago- June 12, 2011
I wasn’t going to write this post. I didn’t want to write this post. In fact, I’ve been not writing this post in my head for 7 months.
Call it “Baby Blues”, postpartum depression, or “PPD” as it’s commonly known on the Internet. Call it what you want, but it’s real. I knew I had a big red “X” on my back. Marked for PPD. I have a history of mental illness after all. I had been on Prozac for years. Not because of depression but because of the OCD I struggled with during my eating disorder as a teen. I’ve told ya’ll before, I was diagnosed with Anorexia at age 15, but I beat it with inpatient and outpatient treatment. I don’t talk about it much because I don’t have to. It’s not really a part of me anymore.
Before we ditched the birth control and decided to start “trying” I successfully weaned off Prozac. I had read there was a .0001 chance of some rare lung disorder my baby could get if I was taking Prozac in the 1st trimester when the moon is full if stood on one foot. I didn’t want to take that chance even though the OB/GYN warned me about PPD. There was my mistake.
When I got pregnant, suddenly I was afraid of heights. Me, the woman who went skydiving with her husband on our first anniversary. Me, the teen who leaned forward and pressed my head against the glass at the top of the Eiffel Tower a-la Ferris Bueller. Before we went to the beach last summer I had these terrible visions of my little step-nephew or niece falling over the edge of the second story deck at our beach house. I even had thoughts of Ginger suddenly slipping from my hands, her soulful, innocent eyes desperately falling away from me.
But no food issues. I wasn’t OCD with my food, I wasn’t anxious about weight gain. I did great. I thought, “Perfect, I won’t need drugs after the baby. I’m cured of all mental illness! It’s a miracle! No anti-depressants in my breast milk!”
I thought PPD was something that built up over time. I thought it was a product of extreme fatigue and breastfeeding woes that came about after a few weeks of living with a newborn. I had no idea I would have the problems I had in the recovery room the night my sweet baby was born.
The nurse asked me if I wanted to keep Charlotte with us in the room or take her to the nursery. Everything we had heard was “Let the baby go to the nursery so you can sleep.” I was very hesitant because I wanted her near me, but I said okay because I was worried she would stop breathing and we would be asleep and no nurses would be around. I figured in the nursery, the nurses would constantly monitor her.
When they rolled her away and I tried to sleep it began. I had visions of Charlotte falling out of my hands over the top deck of our beach house. I would startle, toss and turn. Then she was falling over the edge of the loft in our house onto the hardwood below. Then I stepped on her. Then she was suffocating. Then she was bleeding. One horrific thought after another. I confessed to Mom and Greyson in the hospital I was feeling anxious, but I left it at that.
I did okay leaving the hospital and welcoming guests that first week she was home. What no one knows is when I would go into our room and close the door to nurse Charlotte, I was desperately flipping through my pregnancy and baby books, looking up postpartum depression symptoms. I was perfectly fine on the surface to everyone else. I was happily caring for my baby the best way I knew how. I was doting. I took a million pictures. I was even sleeping pretty well. Everyone kept telling me how well I was doing as a new mom.
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| Leaving the hospital. |
I was doing well. I loved being a new mom. Except for the terrible, scary, invasive thoughts that out of no where would batter my brain. I knew in my rational mind I would never hurt my baby. I knew the odds of anyone else hurting her were slim. But my mind wasn’t rational. I couldn’t hold a knife in the kitchen, use the microwave, or back out the car without thinking of how those everyday things would harm her.
The worst part about it, and it makes me feel sick to even type this….was sometimes, it was me who was hurting her. You know how in Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix, Harry had the dream of the snake trying to kill Mr. Weasley? Except Harry was the snake. Harry was horrified by this thought. He would never hurt Mr. Weasley because he loved him, but he was possessed by Lord Voldemort. That’s how I was.
In those first few weeks when I was home by myself I would hold Charlotte and cry. I would rock her and promise her over and over I would never hurt her and that I loved her. I was so scared someone was going to take her away from me, that I was some terrible Susan Smith-type that didn’t deserve such a perfectly beautiful baby.
I was mad. So mad. Mad that this was happening to me. I’ve been-there-done-that with mental illness. I thought maybe I’d be okay since I had an easy pregnancy and easy labor and delivery. Charlotte was a really good baby and I had a supportive spouse. This sucks!
I would hurt myself before I hurt my baby. That’s not good either. I knew. I knew I needed help. One day when Charlotte was just 2 weeks old I ran across a description for Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. “Uncomfortable or obtrusive thoughts, scary or invasive thoughts, particularly about harm to the baby.” I nearly jumped off the couch. “That’s it!” I called the doctor. We had a long discussion about Zoloft in breast milk. He assured me any problems with Zoloft for nursing mothers/babies was minimal. He said with my history, if I felt like I should get on the medicine, I should. I called for an appointment with a therapist, but she couldn’t see me for almost a month!
Blair is the one who inspired me. I called her for lunch under the disguise of her meeting Charlotte. I admire her so much. Her blog is amazing, her fight against PPD is amazing. I really just wanted to tell her everything. I knew she would understand. I wanted to unload everything to someone who had fought the hard fight with PPD. But, I didn’t say much about it. I was worried she was still struggling and I didn’t want to overwhelm her.
I thought about all the women in generations before me who couldn’t talk about it because, “You just didn’t talk about those things.”
I finally went and talked to the therapist. It helped. But what really helped was being honest. I came to the decision in my own mind that I was no longer going to be a victim of mental illness, because that’s what PPD is. It’s a mental illness, just like an eating disorder. So I talked it out, took my medicine, and fought on. Why? Because I didn’t want to miss anything. I had dreamed my whole life about becoming a mother, and I didn’t want to miss a moment.
Guess what? I haven’t. I haven’t missed anything because I took action early. I have very few invasive thoughts. If I do, I can cope. I’m gonna be okay.
Spread it around:
Good for you!! For taking action and for being open. We don't teach our kids how to deal with life by pretending to be perfect. We teach them to deal by being open and honest and by finding ways to handle hard times. I'm glad you posted this!!
Thank you for this post. You're awesome and a great mom! This was also insightful because I have a bit of everything, and have always worried about ppd when the time comes, and I definitely see myself in the intrusive thoughts, I have them now, but I don't think I knew that that's an OCD thing, which I totally can be. Being honest and especially unashamed is the BEST help. I looooove your Harry Potter reference! My last post is a big weird Harry Potter connection and I was kinda embarrassed lol… I should not be.
This is beautiful, Amy. Very brave, but you've been brave from the moment I met you years and years ago! Thank you for posting.
i'm not brave enough (yet) to post this with my name. But thank you for this post. I think PP-OCD is maybe what plagued me. or perhaps just PP-anxiety. i had terrible obsessive and intrusive thoughts about everything hurting my babies. zoloft was a lifesaver.
love you, love you, love you.
I'm so happy you wrote this. I think it's really important to share these experiences. I had a really wonderful nurse-midwife and a really wonderful pregnancy experience, but I was talking to Lewis just the other day about how the one thing I didn't feel informed about or fully prepared for was the postpartum feelings. Mine didn't go to actual PPD and I didn't ever have to take medication, but for the first 6 weeks, I just absolutely was not myself. I was reading Blair's blog at the time, too and her opening up about her experience with PPD was the only thing that really made me feel better about how I was feeling. Mine ended up getting better and I felt myself again before my 6 week appointment when I was going to ask my nurse-midwife about it. But either way, I just think it's great that you shared this and I'm so happy you were proactive about it! There is no shame in struggling with that sort of illness – and it is an illness. Just like anything else. You identify the symptoms and you do what you need to to take care of it. And that way you and your family are ready to go!
Again, just thank you for writing this.
I know I briefly told you about my experiences with these same things. With Will I stayed on medication throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding (and he's FINE– except he is persnickedy about lining up cars, shoes, etc :)) With John, the meds made me SICK, so I weaned off during pregnancy. To be honest, I've not yet met a mom who didn't have the repeated visions of the baby getting run over by a car, falling off a pier, getting burned with boiling water, all those things that flash through our minds and make us recoil at the thought. I think to some extent, those thoughts help us to be a bit more careful with the new fragile life that we're safe-guarding. Those thoughts are obstrusive and disturbing, though. I did end up getting back on meds after John because of the rage I kept having. Rage at my husband, at my two-year-old, at the baby… you name it. Then my other OCD symptoms came back (non-baby-related) so I refilled my Rx and didn't look back. When I went for my post-partum check up, the doctor asked me if I'd had suicidal or homicidal thoughts. I had not, but I had some really abusive thoughts which was reason enough for me to rejoin the ranks of the medicated. At any rate, I tend to think that any mother who can encounter motherhood and NOT fall a little off her rocker should be evaluated. It's the biggest life-change that you can go through. This combined with the hormone adjustments pretty much guarantees some neurosis, in my opinion. I think that moms who make it through totally blissfully happy (if there are such creatures) might be the ones who merit evaluation
At any rate, I'm glad you're feeling better.
Wow, your honesty and willingness to share stuff here is really refreshing. I don't plan on having kids but if by some rare chance I have one, I know who to hit up for advice. While we haven't seen each other in well over 10 years, I feel like reading your blog, it's not been that long since we saw each other. You're amazing! :hugs:
(((())
oh Amy… love that you shared this. I fought with GAD for years. I was so scared about after being pregnant and PPD. I ended having a manageable level of anxiety – but it was really horrible just worrying. Kinda waiting on it to get worse. Then my family also worrying – and not saying anything to me. Glad to hear that you are better and you didn't wait on getting some help. You are a great mom.
Surfed on over from postpartum progress. Thanks for writing this post. I too got ppocd, and was treated early (medicated from 5 days pp). Hospital a couple of times too.
Unfortunately, it continues unabated, and my baby isn't all that much baby anymore, she turned two last week. No one seems to know when things will improve.
I hope you continue to get better, because ppocd sucks so, so much. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It seems to get progressively more exhausting.
this is an amazing story – very proud of you, from a fellow survivor mama…
Thank you for writing this. I was wondering if I could quote you on my blog (asavvymom.com)? I was going to write a post on PPOCD and love your HP reference. Sums it up perfectly. I am so glad you wrote this. I really really appreciate reading it. I'm so sorry you had to go through this too … but I am so glad I am not alone.
Amy, this is an incredible, heartfelt, and honest post. I am not a mother but, as I told you before, I love reading your blog, and I think it's fantastic that you keep it real about the struggles you deal with as a new mother. I know that you help so many other mom's out there who read your blog and who are going through the same thing thinking they're losing their minds and feel so alone in something like this.
Keep it up, my dear! You are doing awesome
xoxo
Lauren H.
[…] Amy on May 29, 2012 Every mother deals with postpartum anxiety differently. Most of you know my story in all its gruesome detail. I’ve been told I was “brave” to tell it. I had […]
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