Listening ears- September 9, 2012
This is the note we got on Charlotte’s “Toddler Daily Report” sheet from school one day last week. I stifled my laughs as I read it out loud in my most concerned parent voice. “Charlotte wasn’t using her listening ears today.” It was her first discipline note. I had forgotten all about the elementary term “listening ears.” The teacher heard me reading the note. She turned to Charlotte and said, “Did you leave your listening ears at home today?”
I wanted to say, “Oh, no. She doesn’t use them there either. Actually, do you know where I could pick up an extra pair?”
The discipline they use at her school cracks me up. The teachers say stuff like, “Make better choices!” Choices? They’re not even 2 years-old. They have no choices. I’m not sure if they have classroom time-out. I’ll have to look into that since it looks like my kid may end up there soon.
When it comes to toddler behavior, I’d say my daughter is pretty normal. 90% of the time she is amazing! Charlotte is smiley, sweet, funny, and all around charming. She is a good eater, a good sleeper, and doesn’t have crazy separation anxiety or anything. I’m proud to say she is a good kid.
9% of the time, she is in constant disagreement with someone. Mama, Daddy, Ginger (Yes, she has disagreements with the dog.) or one of her little friends. She’s not terrible, just not entirely pleasant. Whining and brief tantrums will ensue. She will often not do what she is told. During these times we know she is either hungry or tired.
A dreaded 1% of the time I’m convinced her little pigtails must be hiding her horns. These are the moments she falls on the floor wailing. She cannot be consoled as she thrashes around in our arms shouting “No!” A few times she has lashed out with a hit. This is, of course, is unacceptable and results in time-out.
So here is my question. Is timeout good enough? I feel like she does calm down when put her in the little corner of our house designated for punishment. Greyson and I stand over her and watch her for 1-2 minutes before we crouch down and talk about what she did. Then we ask her to say she’s sorry, give her a hug, and tell her we love her.
During the “1% times” Greyson has asked me about spanking. He was no stranger to spankings as a rambunctious little boy with a mom who had a device known as the “Super Spoon.” I can count on one hand the times I was actually spanked as a child. Let me tell you, I deserved it each time.
This recent study on spanking leads you to believe our babies will grow up to be smack addicted ax murderers if we lift a hand to them. I don’t like spanking because I don’t think hitting should be the way you teach a child not to hit. I also don’t like the thought of ever physically harming my child in any way. Maybe there is truth to the whole “this hurts you more than it hurts me” thing.
Were you spanked? Are you spanking your child? What methods of punishment are you using? Are they effective?
Oh, by-the-way, I took Charlotte to the doctor today. She has a double ear infection. Maybe she had listening ears all along, they were just infected.
Spread it around:
LOL! You crack me up!
I tried time out. Owen didn’t get it and it ended in more tears and tantrums. Then I popped him on the hand, that worked for a while. Then he didn’t care, so I popped him on the leg and that worked for a while. But a couple of days ago he just walked off and continued to do what I was telling him not too. So, I tried timeout again; FAIL! My peds dr said he has the speach of a 2 year old and we are in the terrible 2s already. :/ if you figure it out let me know.
Oh, Mr. Owen! That is too funny, Jeanna. He’s a tough one! I’ll let you know how it goes with more timeout. I’m considering reading a book on this.
I don’t like spanking and have no plans to do it. I don’t think hitting a child because you are frustrated with their actions is effective. I don’t think hitting a child who hits is effective. Have you looked into Conscious Discipline at all? We use it at work and some of it is quite useful. I like giving a consequence that reflects what has occured. And sometimes we all need time outs. Parents included.
Is Conscious Discipline a book? A philosophy? I agree with the “parental time out”. Ha!
I consider “spank” to be an arranged physical punishment that a child braces for and fears. In that sense, we don’t spank. But we do “pop” on occasion, in the moment of the bad deed. Hardly ever with Travis. More often with Justin, our delightfully defiant second born. Never baregoing bottom, never withbaregoing spoons/belts/etc. Just aa swiftor pop onhis the butt to get his attention. We pop his hands on occasion for grabbing/throwing things he knows not to. We pop his butt for bigger infractions, like hitting his brother or running away from us in a dangerous situation (parking lot, etc) I agree that it seems wrong to spank/pop/hit a child to teach them not to hit. But for my hard-headed two year old, that is really all that gets his attention. He laughs at time out, literally. For what its worth, I was occasionally “popped” as a child and I think I turned out okay!
P.s… sorry for the random words my phone inserted in my comment. Ugh. Hope you still get my point!
I totally get your point. There is a difference between “spank” and “hit”. I never really considered it that way. If she starts laughing at timeout, maybe we’ll consider spanking. I don’t know. I guess you have to consider the individual child.
The supernanny time out variety doesn’t work for us. (The one where you put the kid in, then have a discussion when they come out). The 1-2-3 Magic variety worked wonders and gave me my son back when he hit his terrible twos with a vengeance. We have, on rare occasions, spanked Will, but largely, I haven’t found it to be that effective. For Will, the idea of “choices” actually does work. It gives him the illusion that he has some control over his life, and it also helps me to see when I’m saying no because what he wants is actually not a good idea or if it’s because it’s just inconvenient for me. I think it also gives him experience with how the real world works. Because in real life, you aren’t physically pushed into submission and you aren’t allowed to physically cajole others into submission. In real life, you negotiate. You also make choices understanding that you’re responsible for the consequences of the choices, whatever they may be. But there are sometimes when I’m the parent and what I say is what’s going to happen. When he asks what his choices are in those circumstances, I say, “Your choices are to do what I say and then we’ll all be happy and can go have fun, or you keep arguing, get a time out (or spanking) and THEN do what I say anyway.” The correct choice, in this situation, seems to be obvious, but there’s not really a choice at all. Will’s almost two years older than Charlotte, though. I’m not sure how well “choices” would work on a two-year-old. We only recently started talking about “choices.”
Anyway, while I don’t think spanking has to be this huge child-destroying act, and as I said, we’ve done it, though we try to avoid it, I do have some philosophical problems with it. Mostly, I think that it doesn’t teach Will what to do with his frustration and his anger. As a result, I’ll sometimes see him go and take his aggression out on his toys or his brother. Recently we’ve started telling him some things he can do to feel better when he’s angry. Things like run a lap around the house, or ask to be alone to think, or realize that he can’t always have his way, but has to let other people have turns getting what they want too. Since doing that, his rare tantrums are becoming more rare and he tries to communicate with us calmly rather than scream and throw things. He says, “I have to be by myself for a minute.” Or “I’m upset because…” or “okay, if I can’t have this now, maybe I can get it next time” which I think is more productive in the long-run. So am I against spanking? No. But I do think that most of the time, there are better alternatives. Anyway, Charlotte sounds like she’s just getting started with her terrible twos. My best advice is to stay calm even when she’s not. Too many times, Will’s shenanigans have led to both he and I throwing a tantrum and that doesn’t solve anything. If you haven’t already, read 1-2-3 Magic. It really worked for us.
What’s 1-2-3 Magic? Is that a book? I would look it up, but I’m a work. Is that just the “I’ll give you to the count of 3” thing?
Yeah, it’s a must have book for discipline, IMO. It is 1-2-3 but it’s very specific about how it works. Lots of people think its just counting and then throwing the kid in time out, but you have to do it the way the guy says. No explaining, no talking, no attempting to reason. Just 1-2-3 time out then move on. No discussion. The best thing this did for me was teach me to stay calm. The only thing I modified was the location. He suggested the kid’s room for time out. I make it the guest room which is the most boring place in our house. And I get the added amusement of hearing Will show our guests to their room in time out.
Ha! Nice! I’ll try to upload it to the Nook!
Brave woman posting about spanking!
I’ve wanted to do the same because we aree really pleased with the method we’ve chosen. There’s a book called “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” (it’s Christian) that we have chosen to follow. It’s a biblically based book that talks about using spanking with communication and prayer. I can’t possibly do it justice in this comment but we’ve had remarkable results. I can really see Grace’s heart changing about obedience rather than her behavior just changing to avoid punishment.
I will say that we use short time outs still when she’s just tired or over emotional rather than defiant. I highly recommend the book!
Awesome! Thanks! I’ll look into it. That’s a good point about getting them to behave to be obedient, not to just avoid punishment.
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