A letter to the Duchess of Cambridge- December 3, 2012
Dear Catherine,
May I call you Catherine? I hear you hate to be called “Kate”, which is insane because that’s all anyone in the entire world calls you. They spell it with a “K” too. Rude! Speaking of the entire world, we all heard your wonderful news today! Congratulations! You’re expecting!
Rex Features
I think I speak for everyone when I say we are psyched for this kid. I personally hope it’s a girl. I would really love to see the clothes you dress her in. I mean, Suri Cruise is cute in her Fendi boots, but we could use a fresh kid-style icon.
Sorry you had to make the announcement because you’re puking your guts up and you’re all dehydrated. Morning Sickness is extremely undignified. I feel for you. I hope William has been holding your hair and keeping the dog out of the way as you vomit. If I was pregnant with a royal baby I would expect my uterus to act a little more regal.
I have a favour to ask of you. (See, I put a “u” in there. Did that appeal to any of your British sensibilities?) Please, please blog about your pregnancy. Seriously. It would be the most fantastic thing ever to hear about your gestation. I know that’s weird. It was weird as I typed it.
Sorry. It’s true. I would read every word about your acne, heartburn, sciatic pain, and birth plan. Ooohh! Are you gonna go natural? I figure a Duchess could have an Evian water birth. What about an epidural? You could go Hollywood with a scheduled C-section. I bet you could get any OB you want to deliver your baby. Us commoners have to hope our favourite happens to be working the day we go into labor. (Did you catch that “u” too?) I imagine you have to go with some knighted doctor your Grandmother-In-Law picks. Sorry. I hope Sir Cervix Inspector of Wilshire is nice and lets you eat more than just ice chips. My nurse let me have a popsicle. You probably won’t have to pay for it. I bet it’s covered under the fab healthcare you Brits enjoy.
I know you’re feeling lousy and hormonal and you have to get fat in front of everyone. So, no pressure when I remind you we are dying to see your maternity clothes! You know whatever you wear in the next nine months is going to transform maternity fashion for the next ten years. I am not ashamed to say I’ll dress my future bump in total “Kate” fashion.
Ah! What if you live tweeted the birth? You know lots of women are doing that now, right? Oh, my God the Internet would cave in on itself if you tweeted a picture of the royal baby from the hospital. You have to tell us all what it’s like to bring your baby home to freakin’ Buckingham Palace. I mean, who does that happen to?!? Only you girl.
In all seriousness, I really hope you start feeling better and enjoy this time. There’s nothing like being pregnant and bringing home your baby. Cherish it. I know it’s different for you. This kid is technically property of the British Empire, but YOU are the mother. He or she may be everyone’s prince or princess, but it is your baby.
I hope you get to feeling better soon. Consider my suggestion. Maybe that way you can tell your own story of your baby. We all want to share your joy.
Sincerely,
Amy
P.S. The Olympics were great.
P.P.S. Could you convince the Spice Girls to do a reunion World Tour?
Spread it around:
omgahhh. I love this. Adore you and love this.
Perfection. For real.
LOL! Thanks girl! U comin’ to the tot-fest at Busy Bee tonight? I want to see your face!
This has to be the best nightcap before I lay me down to sleep. I hope she does you the honour of commenting on your blog. Your regal use of “u” seems to have worn off on me. Oh, and ditto to the Spice Girls reunion. My hubby is a big fan. Crap. I probably shouldn’t have said that. Oh well.
Ha! Thanks Adri! Glad I could offour a nightcap. Wait. I think I went too far with the “u” thing. My bad.
“Sir Cervix Inspector of Wilshire”
N-iiiccceee. A Royal baby blog. And the spin-offs!
Ha! Hey Stephanie! Yep! Fingers crossed she’ll read this and indulge me. I’m glad I had Dr. Martin deliver my baby instead of Sir Cervix.
This is amazing. Made me nearly laugh out loud in a room full of strangers (that would have been a wee bit awkward…). I’m ridiculously excited that they are preggers, so I’m glad someone else is too. Thanks for the hysterical post.
Thanks Emily! I laugh in front of total strangers all the time. Don’t sweat it. 😉
OMG I really hope she starts a blog. Wouldn’t that be amazing?? Also, I really hope they have a girl. I want to see a little princess!
Right!? We had two princes. We need a little princess!
[…] become man and wife. It came up again when I found out she was pregnant. I took it upon myself to write her a letter. I haven’t heard back from the […]