Clingers- September 16, 2013
Lately I’ve witnessed what I’ve dubbed “clingers,” particularly at Charlotte’s dance class. But, I’ve seen them other places too. Daycare, birthday parties and other get-togethers seem to reveal children who are clingers. You’ve seen them. They get all panicky and weepy when they have to leave their parents.
I think there are two types of clingers:
Level 1 Clingers: There are kids who HAVE to sit on their moms’ laps and warm up when the other children sit excitedly together in the circle or play at the party. These children are mostly ignored by the others. When asked by other adults if they would “like to come and play?!” or “join the group!” they bury their faces and their parents say stuff like, “He’s shy.” The party, class or event typically continues as planned and the child may or may not join in.
Level 2 Clingers: Oh goodness. A level 2. Take a breath. We’ve all seen them and feel terrible for their parents. One child was SCREAMING in dance class the other day. You would have thought the poor dance teacher had asked if she wanted to burn Elmo at the stake. She had really just asked if she wanted to sit in the circle. The child had a death grip on the woman. I watched the bewildered mom try to catch her breath as she opened her arms and the child still clung on to her. This was snot streaming, choking type of crying. This little girl legitimately must have believed her mom had sold her into slavery. They would have been a tribe of little pigtailed slaves in pink tights. The crying stopped for a moment, and somehow the mom escaped. We heard her later on wailing again over the music and the assistant teacher eventually brought her in the waiting room to call her parents.
Non-clinger: I have a non-clinger. 9 times out of 10 she is happy to see her friends at daycare, psyched for the birthday party and ready to sit in the circle at dance class. There are the few days where she’s out of sorts when I drop her off. If she’s not feeling well or mad about the toy I made her leave in the car that day, she may be a little weepy, but it’s rare. ALL children have the occasional clingy days. We all know what that’s like as a parent and it sucks. No one wants to leave their child upset.
Most of the time the challenge for me as the parent of a non-clinger is to help my child react to a clinger. When Charlotte is excited to see her friend who is a Level 1 Clinger, but she wants to share toys and play, it’s hard sometimes to explain the behavior. She often seems a little hurt that the child doesn’t want to play at that moment. That’s when I try to distract her or say something like, “She needs to sit her mommy right now. Why don’t we go get some juice.”
When it’s a Level 2 Clinger, distraction is not really an option. Come on. There’s no way to ignore the screams. My little non-clinger often looks at me panicked like, “Um, should I be worried too?” That’s when I’ve started saying “He is having a tough time right now, isn’t he? He’ll feel better soon. Let’s go talk to the teacher/another child etc.” Sometimes if the child is past the wailing and is just sniffling, I’ll say “Charlotte, why don’t you go give her a hug.”
I in no way want to talk bad about another child to my child. I think it’s crummy when parents do that. It’s hard. As an uber-extrovert, I do not appreciate, nor value “shy” behavior. I do not think it is okay for parents to label a child “shy” or use “shyness” as an excuse for anti-social behavior. A lot of times I really want to roll my eyes and tell the kid to suck it up. But, that would set a really poor example for my daughter. I also understand that it is very judgmental of me to feel this way. It is a fault I need to work on. Some kids have issues that I may not know about or understand. Sometimes kids, especially toddlers, just have an off day.
So, that is how I’ve been dealing with clingers. Tell me what you do and how you deal with it. If you have a clinger, what do you want non-clinger parents to do?
Spread it around:
So, Raegan has become an on again off again Level 1. It is mostly around new adults, but came up a little when we started back at pre-school last week. The worst has actually been home behavior. Wondering where Keith & I have gone. Even if it is just to the bathroom or outside to do yard work. Recently, she had a panic attack over wanting to sleep with us because she said she was afraid we weren’t going to be there when she woke up. We’ve related it all back to the crappy year that has been 2013 and the many hospitalizations that Avery has had (6 in 9 months). So, I’d LOVE to hear ideas about how to break it. My biggest concern is the balance between making her go out and participate even though she wants to be right by our side and making sure that she feels safe and that we are going to be there whenever the activity is over.
Poor Raegan! I think 2013 has to be part of it. It’s been a rough year. Maybe it’s 3 also. People keep telling me 3 is rough in general. I fully expect some behavioral changes in Charlotte when she turns 3. I mean, she’ll be a new big sister and all that. Maybe ask the pediatrician? What have her teachers said about her behavior in the classroom after you leave?
2013 is definitely the biggest culprit but being 3 has a little to do with it too. She was a great 2 year old. 3 has been more trying. Or I should say the later part of 3 has been trying. We’ve had a lot of ‘teachable moments’ these past few months. She is testing boundaries and learning independence. Which is completely counter behavior to the clinging that she is also experiencing. I’ve even thought of counseling but I’m not sure if I should go down that road with her yet. The pediatrician has basically said to keep an eye on it, reassure her, do things like short errands where you come back quickly so she sees that you will come back. So, we’re trying those things. She mostly does well with dance and school but I think that is partly due to being distracted and having fun. It’s more of the activities where we have to go somewhere or we are in a larger setting where she doesn’t know a lot of kids. Hopefully we will continue to grow out of it and assure her that we will always be there for her. If not, please come visit me on the crazy train as I will likely be the conductor!
Richard was a level 2. I wanted to jump off a damn cliff. Up until he was maybe 3 or 4 he literally would scream bloody murder if anyone other than me and Richie were holding him. This included both sets of grandparents and aunts/uncles. He would be relatively ok at his cousin’s house as long as I or Richie were right there in eyesight.
When he was about 3 and a half I decided to put him in a “at home daycare” type thing for 2 days a week, where a SAHM (who I knew relatively well) watched 2-3 other kids. I did this in hopes of breaking his clinginess. I think it may have helped a *little* but when I enrolled him in gymnastics at that time, his first class was exactly what you described with the screaming, snotty ballerina. The class took place on the gym floor and all the parents were like 20 ft. away in the same room. He was inconsolable. We even tried having me leave the room during the 2nd class so he couldn’t see me, in hopes that he would calm down and stop trying to run to me – nope.
I just kinda took it in stride (well, outwardly at least. Inwardly I was cursing the world and wondering what the hell was wrong with my kid) and hoped it would pass as he got older. I also think a HUGE part of the issue was his undiagnosed celiac disease. Once we got all that figured out and got him 100% gluten free, his whole demeanor changed. He went to 2 years of preschool (age 4 and 5) with no issues and no tears. Same with kindergarden and 1st grade. Once we got him gluten free he became the most independent kid ever.
I would say the best thing parents of non-clingers can do is to just let it be. We already feel like first class failures in the parenting department and every snot-filled tantrum is just as unpleasant to us as it is to you. The things you are telling Charlotte are pretty much right on track. And you’re right that the kid may have “invisible” issues going on that cause the clinginess and tantrums. Just tell Charlotte that sometimes some kids get scared of things that aren’t really scary at all – the dentist, the dark, big groups of people, etc. – and it makes them cry until they finally realize that it’s actually not scary.