To My Neighbor Lighting Fireworks After July 4th
To my neighbor lighting fireworks after July 4th:
Hello fellow American! I hope you had a happy Independence Day. Are you feeling rested after all your revelry this weekend? I’m not. Thanks for asking. I imagine you enjoyed sleeping in Saturday and Sunday mornings. Don’t mistake this letter for my jealousy, I want you to get the rest you need. You may need it.
First, let me say I appreciate your enthusiasm for our freedom, truly. I would never infringe on your right to blow off your own hand. I love the USA and our love for explosives. Explosives on the 4th. You see, I love a good fireworks show on the 4th of July. A quick history lesson for you, that is the day that we as a nation collectively decided we would use pyrotechnics to commemorate our founding fathers’ declaring our independence.
I understand I have young children and my celebrating has to go on early in the day. We’re part of the decorate-your-tricycle-eat-half-a-hot dog-get-home-before-naps crowd. Fireworks are out for us, but I did brace myself and my little family for some unwelcome booms on the holiday. The local community fireworks display caused a few tears Friday night, but we explained “It’s just for tonight on the 4th, sweetie!” My three-year-old understood and fell asleep after the show ended around 9:30pm. That’s the great thing about professional shows, they give us the oohs and ahhs we all need and it’s over with.
You can imagine my discontent when I heard your cracks and booms on the night of the 5th around 11:00pm. We were upstairs consoling our little one who had her hands over her ears laying in the bed, confused as to why you would frighten her with such noises in our peaceful bit of suburbia when the holiday was over.
I myself was trying to figure out what would compel you to put on your own little show a night later. Unlike our fellow Americans in western states, we don’t typically have to worry about dry weather and we’ve had lots of rain. Both professional fireworks displays in our city went on as planned under clear July 4th night skies. Praise Lady Liberty! So, the weather couldn’t have been the reason you were a day late.
Oh! I know, maybe you’re a dollar short!? Did you get your firecrackers half-priced on the 5th at the tent out in front of the grocery store? Good thinking! Between my child’s sobs I was trying to figure out if I was hearing a Roman Candle, a bottle rocket or a Flying Chinese Finger Severer. I’m sure those black cat-purple-airbomb-sparkler-whateverthehells at 60% off put on a great show for your drunk-ass friends at 1:00 am. Oh, and by 1:00am, it was July 6th. The 6th! So, it was the day after the day after Independence Day. It was over, you chump, OVER!
So, I’m sure you’re thinking, “What are you going to do about it? You’re a lame stay-at-home mommy blogger.” Yes, neighbor. I have my lame moments. I own one or more tankinis and have the theme songs to Disney Junior shows memorized. But, know this, if I ever figure out who you are, my revenge will come when you least expect it. It will come in a few years with a knock at your door bright and early one Saturday morning. My kids will wake you up to sell you something you don’t need as a fundraiser for their swim team or whatever. We will ring your bell first and loudest. I will stop you on the sidewalk on Halloween and get you to take a picture of my family. I’ll pretend to be unhappy with the outcome of the photo and have you take more of us in different poses, taking up your time and being insufferable. I’ll ask you to carry coolers at the neighborhood block party, be unhappy with their location and ask you to move them again. I will do it smiling and nice. You won’t know that it’s my revenge for your explosives. It will all be subtle and spread out over time.
Yeah, all this sounds terrible, and it is. But, I make no apology because I will remember the faces of my startled babies and my whining dog on that hot night in July. I’ll do it for all Americans who understand that fireworks on the 4th are sacred.
Signed,
Your Neighbor
P.S. Your friends don’t want to see your stupid fireworks on New Year’s Eve. It’s cold. They want to go back inside. Take a hint.
Spread it around:
We’ve had fireworks at least once a weekend since the weekend before Memorial Day. Week nights since the last week of June. And sadly that isn’t as bad as my parents and in-laws who live on lakes. Thankfully, my kid sleeps through it but if she hears one when she’s awake she yells “uh oh, it no 4th of july fireworks!”
Dang! That’s a lot of fireworks. That sucks! At least she sleeps through it, though.
Damn skippy! You go girl!
Thanks! You know it. 😉
It IS annoying. I try not to complain because I don’t want to be another mom complaining about fireworks on social media. That being said, I can tolerate fireworks on firework holidays. I can even tolerate them the night before and the night after. I cannot tolerate them after 10pm or on non-firework holidays. My neighbors set off fireworks on CHRISTMAS EVE last year. It’s hard enough to get kids in bed and asleep on Christmas Eve without damn fireworks.
When the professionals do a show, it’s 5-10 minutes long and then it’s over. With the neighbors, it’s a haphazard smattering of explosions that can go on interminably. My kids aren’t scared of fireworks, but any time they hear one, they run to the nearest window to see. The thing about neighborhood fireworks is that they fire every 5-10 minutes or so, so that the amateur pyro-technicians can light the next one. This means that one will fire, the kids will run to the window, see nothing, wait for more, see nothing, get back in bed, and JUST as we’re calm and reading, another one will fire, so they’ll get BACK out of bed, and the cycle repeats. It drives me crazy. That being said, Raleigh noise ordinance laws prohibit noise disturbance after 11pm. Next time they do that shit, call the cops.
Noise ordinance. Good idea! Thanks!
Ugh in our city they are allowed 3 days before and 3 days after and then we have a stupid state holiday on July 24th so they get to do it 3 days before and 3 days after that as well. My neighbors started June 28th and it has been non-stop we don’t have kids but we have a rescued Corgi who is scared of the garbage truck and my hair dryer. So you can imagine how she acts towards fireworks. They start around 7pm (and it’s still light out soooo…you can’t even see the damn fireworks anyways) and end around 3 am. Cops were called twice. So done with July…
Good for people calling the cops! Yeah, done with July and we’re not even done with the first week. Ha! Good luck this summer.
Crazy how perspective now changes things as I was one of those a-holes only three short years ago. Nowadays I can’t imagine why anyone would choose to be that rude to their neighbors let alone stay up that late. We had a neighbor that chose to chop down a tree with a chainsaw at 9pm one night (which of course was the neighbor on the side of the house that my kid’s bedroom was on) and I thought that tree was going to be the first tree in history to withstand the blades of a chainsaw with as long as it took.
Right?! If people do stuff like that on week nights, that is SO unacceptable. That must have been a huge tree. Ha!