Baby Vs. Baby The Great Comparison- October 17, 2014
Recently I squealed and hugged my way through an intimate crowd of old friends at a baby shower. I’ve known the mom-to-be since she and my sister were babies. I had my 11-month-old in tow. I was so excited to see my sister and nephew, who came to town for the affair. My nephew is 8 1/2 months old. My mom was happy to have her two baby grandsons crawling at everyone’s feet.
Well, my son was at everyone’s feet. He was at their feet, playing with their shoes, on their purses, reaching for their cell phones, pulling up on their chairs and generally causing a ruckus, albeit an adorable ruckus. Most at the shower didn’t seem to mind him. My mom could help me by holding him or entertaining him while I ate or played the shower games.
My nephew mostly sat pleasantly with my sister. He laid quietly next to her smiling. Yes, he can crawl too. He can also pull up. He’s about the same size as my son. But, he sat and mine squirmed.
My mom and her friend heard me quip to my son, “Hey, you see how your cousin is just sitting there? Why can’t you be like that?” My mom said, “Amy! You shouldn’t say that and compare them like that!” Her friend agreed. I felt my face get hot. I held my little guy tight against my flushed cheek. I whispered, “Sorry buddy.”
On the way home from the shower I had an epic crisis of conscience. How could I have done that to my baby?! Just because the cousins are close in age, it doesn’t mean they need to be compared. They are individuals. I need to watch the comments I make, even in jest. I need to talk to my sister about guidelines for how we will treat the boys equally but as individuals. I drafted a heartfelt blog post in my head as I drove.
I got home and told my husband what happened. I explained my intense shame and how I was damaging my son’s psyche. He said, “Are you kidding me?! Please! Amy, the amount of time you have spent worrying about this is too much. They are babies! He will never remember you said that.” True it’s not like we’re going to line them up and have them crawl race at family gatherings. He laughed and hugged me. “Seriously. It was a complement to your sister on how sweet her baby is. Don’t sweat it.”
Here’s the thing. They’re both right. I need to watch what I say to my children. I need to understand that jokes and off-the-cuff comments can hurt. But, I also do NOT need to have guilt ridden meltdowns for every parenting faux pas I commit. Let’s face it, I know I will say or do something insanely insensitive and stupid again. Then I will write about it on the Internet.
In all seriousness, how do families quell comparisons between children close in age? Cousins, siblings, or even good friends with kids the same age. It’s very natural to compare. How do you either avoid it, or compare with compassion if that’s possible?
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I have boy/girl twin 2 year old’s and was talking about this yesterday to a friend. My daughter, being a typical girl and developing faster than her brother, has consistently hit most developmental milestones first. It’s sometimes very weird to be raising 2 the same age and I try really hard not to compare them to each other. I do think it makes it easier in my head to do that since they are different sexes but I still find myself very aware of where one is as it compares to the other. It’s human nature so I think as long as we as parents are aware of it and try to keep it in check the kids will be just fine!!
Well said! I imagine it’s really tough with twins. Good luck! Thanks for reading.
My boys are 2 years apart and are mistaken for twins on a daily basis – it’s impossible not to compare them. Our first son was a behavioral marvel. He follows (most of) the rules, teachers love him, he met milestones early, etc. Our second son is a behavioral… challenge. He showed us we are not the parenting geniuses we thought we were – the first kid was just born to behave. I constantly have to remind myself not to expect the second child to be just like the first one. I’m not sure where I’m going with this other than to say that yes, I definitely compare my children to each other and their peers. But I keep most of it to myself or discuss it with my husband, as opposed to saying it to my kids. If I do share a comparison with them, I try to do it a complimentary/constructive way. I don’t ever want them to feel “less than” anyone else because they are doing something a different way or on a different timeline.
Good point! I need to learn to keep it to myself or be complimentary/constructive. Sometimes anonymous message boards are good for venting about kid comparisons. Ha!