Today’s #31DBBB blog challenge is to help solve a problem for readers in my niche.  I have no sound parenting advice since I’m not a full-fledged mom.  (I’m full of criticism, however.  I’ll save it.) 
A problem I have run into is people saying really weird stuff to me as a pregnant woman.  Why people feel like they can say inappropriate things to pregnant women, I will never know.  So to help readers I have solicited the help of the funniest person I know.  Greyson.  This is our list of witty retorts to rude comments. These are all things people have actually said to me or someone I know.  My responses are in regular font. Greyson’s retorts are in italics. 

1.  Stupid person: “Hey there ‘Mama’.”
     Pregnant woman: (looking around) “Oh, I’m sorry, were you talking to me?  I thought your mom was here or something.”
     Pregnant woman: “That’s right, I’m your Mama…now go to your room and think about why you’re a jack-ass!”

2.  Stupid person as Pregnant woman is carrying a cup of coffee:  “That’s decaf right?”
     Pregnant woman: “Nope, espresso, with a double shot of Kalaua.” 
     Pregnant woman:  “No, it’s a big glass of…shut the hell up….here, take sip.” 

3.  Stupid man giving stupid advice to a pregnant woman: “My wife just had a baby.”
     Pregnant woman: “Well congratulations!  I had no idea that means you as a father then became an   OB/GYN!  Allow me to be the first to say ‘Way to go MD!’  You finished your Obstetrical resisdency so fast!” 
     Pregnant woman:  “Looking at the man boobs it’s clear your wife’s breasts aren’t the only pair that have swelled.”

4.  Stupid person after hearing it was a girl: “I knew it!  I told you it was a girl!”
     Pregnant woman: “You had a 50-50 shot, way to go!  I’m taking you to Vegas with that kind of luck!” 
     Pregnant woman:  “I told you to drink this glass of shut the hell up.”

5.  Stupid person:  “Your stomach is really starting to get big.”
     Pregnant woman:  “I didn’t eat a baby.  It’s not in my stomach.  Would you like an anatomy lesson so you know exactly where it is?” 
     Pregnant woman: “Before I call you an idiot, I want you to take 10 seconds, think about what you just said and see if you can figure it out for yourself.”

6.  Stupid person:  “You are about to pop!”
     Pregnant woman:  “OMG, you’re right….GET DOWN, GET DOWN NOW, placenta everywhere….oh the humanity!”

7.  Stupid person:  “Are you sure you’re not carrying twins?”
     Pregnant woman:  “Are you sure you’re parents aren’t siblings?”

8.  Stupid man complaining about how there’s no good looking women in this town and pregnant woman tells him she just found out she’s pregnant:  “Well, there goes another one!” 
     Pregnant woman:  “I’d tell you to just go gay…but I don’t think you’d have success with men either…monasteries are always looking for guys just like you to join the brotherhood.”

9.  Stupid person:  “You shouldn’t be carrying/doing that.”
    Pregnant woman:  “I know you’re trying to be chivalrous, but save it for the high school girls when you offer to buy them alcohol.”

10.  Stupid person:  “You shouldn’t be eating that.”
       Pregnant woman:  “But it goes so well with a beer and a cigarette.”

Hopefully this saves someones sanity. What else did people say ladies?  What was your retort?

Today is my 29th birthday.  I’m not 29 like you say you’re 29 because you don’t want to turn 30.  But the real-deal-born-in-1981-and-now-it’s-2010-29.  Yesterday I got the lovliest pre-birthday surprise.  My sweet blog friend Laura at Cirque Du Matos Family nominated me for a blog award.

There are a few things I must do in order to accept the award.

1) Thank the person who gave me the award.
2) Share seven things about me.
3) Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs, and let the nominees know about the award

Thanks Laura!  It’s an honor to be recognized by other bloggers in my niche.  I am truly flattered.  Plus, I love praise and adoration even when it’s not my birthday. 

1) Pink is my favorite color.  The company who did the table linens for my wedding referred to my stuff as “Barbie’s wedding.” 
2) I hate shows like The Bachelorette, The Bachelor, Gossip Girl.  No offense, I know people love them, but I seriously feel like my IQ is dropping when that crap is on TV. 
3) The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Family Guy, now THAT is smart humor!  Those are my kind of shows!
4) Cereal is my favorite food. 
5) I got a Nook for my birthday.  I researched the difference between the Sony E-Reader, the Kindle, and the Nook.
6) I loved New Kids On The Block when I was a kid.  No lie.  I had NKOTB shoelaces.  This fact is slightly embarassing now. 
7) I will never get a puppy again.  We adopted our adult dog and she is the greatest ever.  She came trained at  1 1/2 years old with all her shots.  She is the coolest dog on the planet.  It’s probably good to be anti-puppy since I’m suddenly pro-baby.  Puppy and baby poop would be more than I could handle. 

New blogs I love and hearby nominate…. (You’ve heard of some of these before.  Many are not new.)
1) Inguene Mom Because I aspire to her blog ambition and prowess. 
2) Flip Flops and Pearls Because Southern girls stick together.
3) Mama Bytes Because I love Kristen’s tweets and pink hair. 
4) Confessions of a Dr. Mom Because I should’ve studied harder so I could be a Dr. Blogger MD. 
5) Life and Times of a Self-Proclaimed Saucy Bitch Because I have mad love for people in NJ who are not Snookie. 
6) The Fickle Nickle Because I love the retro look.
7) Babblings of a Mommy Because I love clothes.
8) Spilled Milk  Because she’s an attorney who writes in more than “legal speak” and she writes beautifully!
9) Two More Seconds Because that’s what I need too. 
10) 1,000 Reasons I’m a Crap Mom  Because 999 reasons would totally suck.

Okay, so I only got to 10.  So did Laura.  Plus, It’s my birthday in case you hadn’t gathered that from the rest of this self-indulgent post.  I want to have a little fun and be a little lazy. 

We’re at Topsail Island on the North Carolina coast.  I’ve been to this beach every summer of my life.  I took my first steps in the beach cottage, right where I’m sitting right now.  Our little house has survived umpteen hurricanes when houses around us crumbled.  Needless to say a piece of my heart is on this shore.

For the uninitiated, in the Carolinas, we listen to Beach Music. Girls wear pearls and flip flops with sundresses to go to football games.  We like our pork bar-b-que chopped, and tea sweet.  We love hushpuppies.  Hushpuppies are little pieces of fried dough heaven that go deliciously with fish.  I have never made them myself, but I was gonna give it a try.  I figured I had to be proficient at this Southern delicacy before becoming an official Southern Mama.  I had no idea hushpuppy dreams could so quickly become greasy nightmares.  


Greyson and I bought fish from a roadside shop from a guy with one bad eye and some of his hushpuppy mix.  I was feeling good.  The family was relaxing.  You could hear The Embers from the iPod speakers, “I love beach music….”  I followed directions as closely as I could.  I mixed the batter exactly as I should.  The pan was full of hot grease and it was time to drop in my first dollop of dough. “I always have and I always will….”


That’s when it happened. When this dough hit the pan it instantly incinerated.  Think of that scene in Terminator 2.  I mean, burnt-up-turned-to-black-in-seconds.  All that happened next was within seconds.


Smoke hit my eyes. Greyson started to cough.  “I learned to shag on the beach with the salt in the air…”  Smoke alarm.  I pulled the charcoal briquette that was a dollop of  dough and put it on the plate.  The grease burned my hand.  I heard,  “{cough} {cough}  Oh my God!”  “Get a fan!”  “My eyes!”  “I love beach music….”

That is not a turd, it’s a hushpuppy.

Mom and Greyson in the smoke filled kitchen

Mom fanning the smoke detector in time to The Embers

I turned things around.  These were the finished products after I got the grease a better temperature.  My family was kind enough to tell me how good they were.

Nothing more beautiful.

Except for that.

We’re leaving for vacation this weekend.  We’re celebrating my birthday with our family at the beach.  I seriously can’t wait!

Excitement aside, that means I had to find a maternity bathing suit…in a size Medium…in August.  You can imagine how successful this endeavor was.  I did manage to find two tolerable suits to get me through the week.    

I leave Destination Maternity with a lighter wallet and a little heavier heart after realizing my teeny-bikini days are on hold at least until next summer.  (I’m trying to be positive here people!) So imagine my mindset when I step into Forever 21.

They have a maternity line there now.  It’s cute, and surprisingly not just made for the girls on that Teen Mom show.  I’ve only seen the clothes online, but I thought I’d wade my way through the Miley Cyrus/Selena Gomez wannabe attire to see if I could find it.  I couldn’t.  I see a woman who works there and I walk back to the dressing room to ask her where their maternity clothes are.

Me: “Excuse me, do you carry the Forever 21 maternity line here?”
Her:  “Ummm, no.  I don’t think so.  But, we have plus-sizes over there.”

She pointed to one end of the store, but my gaze did not follow her finger.  Instead, I looked at her mouth, the source of those words.  I so badly wanted to SOCK MY FIST RIGHT IN THAT MOUTH!  But, because I figure assault charges aren’t very becoming of anyone, let alone a pregnant woman, I refrained.  I let my eyes take in this woman’s whole face.

It was then I realized she wasn’t a woman at all.  She was just a 16 or 17 year old girl.  Okay, she can’t help that she’s so effing stupid.  So, I thought I’d educate her as politely as I could.

Me:  “Right, but I’m pregnant, so Plus Size wouldn’t fit.  Maternity clothes have a completely different fit.  They also carry Plus-Sized-Maternity lines of clothes at some stores.  You’re body is just different when you’re pregnant and you need different clothes.”
Her:  “Oh, okay.”

I felt better after hitting the jackpot at H&M.  A WOMAN employee, over age 21 was happy to show me the maternity line at their store.

If you’ll remember, I promised Word-LESS Wednesdays, not Wordless Wednesdays.  I’ve got too much to say folks.  But, I will keep it short.