Coffee and tacos with Molly Ringwald- August 23, 2010
We had our first childbirth class this weekend. We joined six other couples anxious to be first time parents. I did call the teacher the day before to suck up make sure we were going to the right place, so I knew what to forget bring, etc. Naturally, Greyson and I were the most disruptive students in the class.
We arrive, late, toting our Starbucks cups. We didn’t bring enough to share with the whole class. We sign in and take our seats. Greyson leans over and whispers to me, “They’re already going to think you’re a bad mom because you’ve got coffee.” I said, “At least they don’t know about the Kahlua in it.” We snickered.
We all had to introduce ourselves. We all had babies due in October, one couple in November. (Overachievers! Look at you already in childbirth class in mid-August! La-ti-da!) I was actually really excited to see my friend Laura in the class and get to meet her husband Dan. She and I know each through work and are due about 3 weeks apart.
I didn’t really know what to expect. We’ve all seen the Lamaze-like classes with heavy breathing portrayed in countless movies. We had a straight-shooting OB/GYN nurse teaching the class. I anticipated two things. One, a birthing ball would be demonstrated. After all, it is in all the movies. Two, we’d have to watch an extremely awkward video. I was not disappointed on either count.
We were the worst students in the class because….
1. We sold our exercise ball in our recent yard sale to get ready for our baby. Oops.
2. This video featured couples telling their stories of natural delivery. There was plenty of Mayo-Clinic-like graphics with diagrams of uteruses over new age music. When it got to the part about your water breaking the graphic read like this…
Color
Odor
Amount
Time
You’re supposed to remember those things when you call the Doctor and tell them your water broke. Maybe it was all the vagina talk, but Greyson leans over to me and says, “I think TACO would be easier to remember.” I could not stifle my giggles, thus getting evil looks from my classmates.
3. I whispered to Greyson that the woman in the video looked like a fat Molly Ringwald. More laughing, more looks.
4. I spilled coffee all over my shirt and jeans in front of everyone in the middle of the video. I stunk like soured latte the remainder of the morning.
5. Greyson buried his head in his hands when I asked if they could wash off the baby after it is born so I don’t have to hold her with all the afterbirth on her. The teacher explained we could put that in our birth plan to give to the nurses at the hospital. (I can see it now. #43 of my birth demands. “I must have a perfectly clean baby.”)
6. The teacher went on to explain how changing pads that come in your diaper bag are worthless and to use puppy training pads instead. Makes sense. Greyson leans over to me and says, “That’s good, then the baby will know where to go pee in the house.” That was it. The stifled giggles were over. This was a full-on belly laugh right in the middle of everything. The teacher made us share our little joke. Luckily everyone else laughed too.
Thankfully we don’t get graded and no one will tell our parents about our poor conduct in class. Next week we should probably bring an apple for the teacher, or a taco. Maybe I’ll bring a puppy pad in case I spill my coffee.
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So I am sitting in the EUC and I am getting 'weirdo' stares because I am laughing so hard. I mean, I laughed at the very first sentence. This is hands down my favorite blog post yet. Screw the blog, this would have been an amazing reality show episode. lol 😉
First off, you and Greyson are TOTALLY the parents to bring in starbucks to your first class. Not vitamin water or 100% juice….a hot latte. Love it. Secondly, TACO. That is all I have to say.
Thanks for making my morning soo much better. Love you.
See you soon.
I wish we had people like you in our birth class! We had mostly a bunch of fuddy-duds.
As for the birthing/exercise ball… they have them for you at the hospital. And they put a puppy pad on it – no lie. Or at least it's the hospital equivalent of a puppy pad. Same thing. I used the ball during both labors.
I totally just didn't do the childbirth class, so you're better than me for even going. I pretty much just resolved to do what the doctors and nurses said when it came to getting the baby out. It worked.
Also, when the baby's born, they place him/her on your stomach for all of ten seconds before the nurse grabs him up and cleans him, does his tests, etc. You really won't care if she's dirty. Then your husband gets to go watch the baby while they rip your placenta out and stitch you up.
Also, what the Hell is a birthing ball? I mostly just sat in the bed eating popsicles and watching TV. I found that technique to be pretty effective.
Why weren't you guys in our birthing class? We would have been laughing right along with you. I'm laughing now, so that will have to do.
Found you through Ingenue Mom and following you now!
Oh too funny. I remember that video. I think we were subjected to the same one. All natural blah, blah, blah. The whole time I was like, I'm pretty much going to take whatever narcotic they offer me, so this really isn't for me.
And I drank coffeee too. I backed off how much I drank and my doctor said it was fine. 😉
Love it! Brings back memories of our class. Love TACO, literally LOL'd.
you guys are too funny! I didn't do the classes with my pregnancy's, but I would go with you just to laugh
Hilarious! At least you had a good time at your baby class. Seriously, sometimes they can be pretty boring.
Hi there! Following you from blog frog. Looking forward to reading
Mine is http://www.nestingwithniall.blogspot.com. Stop by any time!
This is great. I wish you were in my class.
I walked in with diet Mountain Dew to a class full of mommies and water bottles. (I had cut back to only one a day!)
Dude, those classes are a waste of time & money. When I've had my babies, it's basically listening to the nurses tell you, "Lie here. Go pee now. Turn over. Take your clothes off." Not necessarily in that order. When you're delivering your baby, it feels like you're at the mercy of the first people who will be touching her, and you have to play nice or they might run out of the room and say, "oh, sorry, you didn't push hard enough that last time." It's like, I'LL DO WHATEVCER YOU TELL ME IF YOU JUST PINKY SWEAR TO GIVE ME MY BABY, MMKAY????
Not that it will be that way for you. I'm just speaking from my own experiences.
get used to that stinky-soured-latte smell…it will be baby-spit-up smell sooner than you think
Amy, your blog is a riot! We were taught TACO in our class, not COAT, who'd remember COAT? I also was grossed out by the thought of a slimy baby being put on my chest. Because of my c-section, Gabe was clean before I could hold him, so I can't report on whether or not I would have cared in the moment. And that also meant my "birthplan" was out the window
Good Luck!